Dear Prospective Surrogate,

Thank you for taking the time to learn about us today and potentially joining us on our journey! We write this letter with immense gratitude toward you and your loved ones. We are incredibly thankful that generous people like you exist who are willing to give of themselves so completely to support our dreams of a family. While we may not have met yet, we already know that you are an inspiring person who has given us hope again. There is so much to say to you, but in this letter, we hope to give you a glance at our lives and some insight into how we came to be pursuing surrogacy to build our family.

We are E and B. We have been a couple for almost 19 years and will be married for 12 years this October. These years have been wonderful years filled with love, joy, and deepening connection, but we have also been tested with moments of disappointment, sadness, and vulnerability. To be candid, the most trying moments have challenged us but we have always managed to find our way to each other, provide the support that each other needs, and continue to grow together. Channeling these experiences toward building a life together that we can feel proud of has been helpful. B’s tendency toward a realistic, pragmatic perspective and his steadfast support has been a healthy balance to my curiosity, need for knowledge and sound logic, and compassionate nature.

In 2004, B and I met through mutual friends and had an immediate connection. Neither of us had ever believed in love at first sight, but the comfort and understanding between us was instant and we both quickly knew that we were forever. B is originally from Amherst, New York and I grew up in both New Jersey and Florida. Most of my childhood was in the Clearwater area of Florida, just outside of Tampa. Oddly enough, this is where B’s parents went on their honeymoon and vacationed with their kids during the summer for many years. So, we used to joke about the likelihood of playing together on the beach as kids.

I am the youngest of four siblings, who had the luxury of two much older sisters and a brother to idolize. I look very Irish thanks to my Dad but I was brought up with the Italian traditions of my Mom. There was always plenty of sauce on hand for Sunday dinner! We moved to Florida when I was a toddler but thankfully my grandparents followed us soon after and I was able to learn many of my grandmother’s tricks in the kitchen. Cooking still makes me feel close to her.

B is the oldest in his family, with three younger brothers who all played some sort of sport every season growing up, particularly hockey and baseball. B’s family on both sides settled in the Buffalo area multiple generations ago and his parents remain there today. We try to get back there, as well as Florida and New Jersey, as much as possible to see our families.

Our college experiences were within a few hours of home, so after graduation, we both found ourselves wanting to experience something different and used graduate school as a way to get out to the Pacific Northwest. B and I met while living in Portland, Oregon, initially connecting over being from the east coast, having a passion for our sports teams, loving a good hike, and just appreciating all that nature has to offer there. We both continue to love nature and hiking remains to be the way we reconnect and recharge. After Portland, we moved to New York City and lived there for 16 years. About a year ago, we purchased a home in southern Connecticut and are loving it here. We continue to commute into the city so we have been able to enjoy the best of both worlds, including a Mets game whenever we can!

I work as a speech-language pathologist and middle school learning resource coordinator at a school in New York. I have been in the field of education my whole career and have enjoyed it very much. While in college, I was confident that I wanted to work with children but always thought it would be in a medical setting. To my surprise, the moment I began my internship at a school, I knew that was where I needed to be each day. There is a comfort in feeling as though you have a calling and children certainly do teach you something new every day! B worked as an attorney for the State of New York for a very long time but recently shifted to a private firm within the last few years. While with the State of New York, he focused on financial regulation, creating laws that protected consumers from fraudulent practices and advocating for regulation of companies, banks, and insurance providers. Much of his work has either directly or indirectly affected the lives of many New Yorkers. We still very much enjoy the culture and energy of the city, but it has been a nice transition this year to come home to a calmer setting in Connecticut and do landscaping projects together on the weekends. Our 8-year-old Labrador, Reuben, has also enjoyed the change, especially all the new trails and parks we’ve been able to explore!

As you can imagine, our journey to create a family has been a long road for us, as it often is for couples with fertility challenges. Thankfully, the sense of community among those who struggle with fertility has proven to be an incredible blessing, and the surrogacy community has quickly shown itself to be just as supportive. Our fertility journey began about 12 years ago, before we were officially married when a doctor finally presented me with a logical theory as to why I was experiencing all of my symptoms and progressively worsening pain. That theory was endometriosis, which can only be definitively diagnosed through laparoscopic surgery. We were married about a year later and were advised to try to conceive naturally before pursuing any surgical confirmation of endometriosis. During this time, my pain became more intense so we sought out the advice of a reproductive endocrinologist. Within a few months, he performed my first surgery to confirm my endometriosis diagnosis and optimize my fertility through IVF. This first surgery not only confirmed endometriosis on multiple organs but also showed possible adenomyosis in my uterus. While I did have some relief following this surgery, we knew that my disease would continue to progress. However, our doctors felt confident and we were hopeful that we could successfully become pregnant through IVF before I would need another surgery. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Over a span of seven years, we completed five IVF cycles and had three endometriosis excision surgeries, without a successful positive pregnancy. Each of these losses was felt completely. We supported each other through them the best we could, took the advice of professionals guiding us, and tried to remain hopeful. During my second surgery, my surgeon removed as much endometriosis as possible, but despite her best effort, it was too risky to remove all of it through robotic surgery. Prior to this, my pain had been frequent, sharp, and stabbing but not constant. Afterward, it morphed into constant, throbbing pain. It was unbearable in a way that the stabbing pain was not. At that point, I had to start prioritizing my health and quality of life over my fertility goals which was an extremely hard decision to make. We sought out the advice of an endometriosis expert who felt that the location and severity of my endometriosis meant that my next surgery would need to be a complicated open abdominal surgery involving surgeons from three different specialties. The many years of IVF cycles had likely caused my disease to progress to the highest level and while we knew that there was a potential for great risks with an extensive surgery like this, we also knew there could be great rewards. During recovery, I could tell almost immediately that the outcome was life-changing and our hope for creating a family quickly returned. We began the process of preparing for our fifth and final embryo transfer in early 2021. Sadly, it was another unsuccessful try. This affected us both quite profoundly. We had done everything we possibly could to make this happen and we now had to come to terms with the fact that my body could not carry our child. The silver lining is that we still have two embryos remaining and there are kind people such as yourself that are willing to help us create the family we’ve had our hearts set on for so many years.

Surrogacy is not the path we had originally imagined for ourselves, but we are so grateful and excited that because of you, it is a realistic option for us. We are looking forward to the possibility of beginning this journey with you! If you decide to help us create our family, our instinct will be to embrace your friendship and treat you as family. But, we will take your lead as to how often and in what manner you would like to communicate. We will be genuinely thrilled to get to know you and hope to naturally build a relationship over time that evolves into whatever feels organic to all of us. We don’t know how much communication you will feel comfortable with long term, but we do know that we will want our child to know all about you and your admirable generosity. We strive for sincere, honest, positive communication in all our relationships and this will be no exception. We hope for the same openness, honesty, and forthright communication in return. Best intentions will always be assumed and we will place complete trust in you to provide updates as frequently as needed. It is our hope to receive both the essential details as well as any meaningful, sentimental moments along the way that you would like to share. It is important to us that we attend as many of the doctor’s appointments as possible related to the baby’s development, without putting any unnecessary burden or inconvenience on you.

The quote “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much”, by Helen Keller, has guided me since childhood. Surrogacy is the living embodiment of that beautiful sentiment and we would love to do this together with you. We hope this letter gives you confidence that our child is wanted beyond measure and will be raised in a loving home, with an abundance of extended family, grandparents, cousins, aunties, and uncles, both given and chosen. And that you and your family are welcome to be one of them if you so choose. Becoming a surrogate must be such a fulfilling experience! We admire your choice and hope to embark on this adventure together with you and your family.

With warmth and gratitude,

E and B