Dear Potential Surrogate
First and foremost: thank you for considering embarking on such a selfless journey and providing hope to someone like me who has struggled with building her family. It is hard to fathom a more generous gift that a woman could offer to someone else.
I became a mother for the first time two years ago when our son Jwas born. I had dreamed of this baby for years, but unfortunately struggled with infertility and then a traumatic pregnancy and birth in order to finally bring him into this world. He is the light of my life, and brings unimaginable joy to my husband, my parents, my husband’s father and sister. We are now yearning for a sibling for Jake and are hoping to complete our family through a surrogacy journey.
I met my husband K a little later than I would have hoped, while we were living in Pennsylvania. K and I went through trials together early in our relationship: a few months after we met, my youngest brother died suddenly at 27, and a year later K’s mom passed away after a very short and brutal battle with aggressive lymphoma. K and I decided to make a fresh start and relocated to California. We got married soon thereafter in a simple ceremony on the beach, and we had a small reception at our house with a taco truck in the driveway. We were hopeful that we would get pregnant quickly, and even thought it might happen during our honeymoon. Unfortunately we were in for a much more difficult process than we could have imagined.
Months, and then years, started to tick by with no success. We decided to see a fertility doctor and given my age, went straight to IVF. After four grueling rounds of egg retrievals, we still had no normal embryos. I knew I was meant to be a mom though. I had dreams where children were there but always just out of reach. We began to consider egg donation as a way to build our family, and we were lucky enough to find a wonderful, anonymous egg donor. Our fertility doctor, who at this point we had grown quite close to, confirmed after meeting her that she was perfect for us. Our egg donor was able to help us create six normal embryos after one round of egg retrieval! We were thrilled. Almost immediately, I began the process to get ready for embryo transfer. I had high hopes that our luck was turning a corner and our baby would soon be here. But again, there were disappointments. Two transfers resulted in chemical pregnancies, and I started to lose hope. We tried a different transfer preparation ahead of transfer number three and it worked! I will forever remember the initial ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and seeing that tiny little bean bouncing around in my belly. We were over the moon and beyond thrilled.
I had a fairly typical first and second trimester, but towards the end of the second trimester, things started to go downhill, and I began experiencing extreme swelling and blood pressure creeping up. I ended up developing severe preeclampsia and J was born via emergency C-section at 31 weeks. I was very sick and was not able to hold J until two days after he was born. I could not believe how small and fragile he was. J ultimately spent two months in the NICU, and it was a very scary time for us. I drove to the hospital every day for two months, and pumped breast milk every couple of hours, trying to do the best that I could for my baby. Because he was on oxygen and was so small, only one of us could hold J for an extended period of time every day, so K and I had to take turns doing skin to skin time. It was one of the most difficult periods of my life; every day waking up praying that he could drink just a bit more milk by mouth and wean down on his oxygen just a little more so he could be ready to come home. I will never forget the day we were finally able to bring him home. I had stayed overnight at the hospital the night before, what NICU refers to as “rooming in”, to make sure that J was able to be on his own with me. I was so nervous, but I knew J and I could do it, and we did. We were finally able to bring our baby home. We played “Dancing on the Ceiling” by Lionel Richie in the car on the way home and that captured our feelings perfectly that day.
J is now a happy and healthy two-year old, who you would never guess was a preemie to look at him. He has gorgeous blue eyes and thick dirty blond hair that grows so fast, I have to give him a haircut every six weeks.
We know that J is meant to have a sibling, and our family is not yet complete, but I am not willing to take the risk of carrying myself again, for my own health and that of the baby. We feel that surrogacy will be the best path forward in order to complete our family.
We currently live in California, but most of our family (including my parents and my brother and his wife and two young children) is back on the East Coast where we are both from. I grew up in the heart of Pennsylvania Dutch country, and K grew up in central New Jersey. Here in California, we are lucky enough to have K’s sister within a ten minute drive. She comes over for dinner every Sunday night and has absolutely spoiled our son. We are both very close with our families, and we visit as much as we can. Ultimately, we will likely move back to Pennsylvania so that J and his future sibling will be able to grow up around cousins and a lot of extended family.
K and I are both lawyers during the day, but we try to stay active with hobbies outside of work. K’s biggest hobby is music. He started playing the bass at 14 and had a brief stint in music school for college. He’s played in several bands since high school, but abandoned the bass after we moved to California, bought a drum set and now focuses on trying to become a competent drummer. J has also taken to drumming and is able to identify all the pieces of the drum kit. We are pretty confident that he will surpass his dad in his skills at a fairly early age. K and J also love to play the guitar together. Watching his dad play the guitar has been one of J’s favorite activities since he came home from the hospital.
My hobby is food – I love reading about food, experiencing different food cultures, and working on different skills in the kitchen. My secret dream has always been to be an Italian grandmom who always has a pot of red sauce and meatballs on the back burner of the stove, just in case anyone stops by who is hungry. Unfortunately, I am not Italian, but my Polish great grandmother did teach me how to make great meatballs. Cooking is very big in my family, and some of my best memories are being in the kitchen with various family members through the years. J is starting to get in on the action; he has a special stool to be at the counter, and loves to “help” by putting chopped ingredients in bowls and taste-testing. We celebrate all of the food related holidays, from the Jewish high holidays, to Persian new year, to Lunar new year, and of course, Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. I still make Polish Easter dinner every year – I love traditions and cannot wait to pass those down to my children.
We love to watch Philadelphia sports together, particularly the Eagles. I am also a huge Phillies fan and was hoping for a World Series this year, but unfortunately those hopes have been dashed (ugh – the Mets).
J’s favorite activities include reading books, going to the park, the zoo, bike rides with dad and shopping cart rides. He loves music. His favorite song is “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” by Michael Jackson – he loves a good beat. J is a gentle and sensitive child and will be an amazing big brother.
We travel to the coast of Maine every summer with my family. I have been going there with my family since I was a child. The trip is one of our most favorite things to look forward to every year. This year J learned how to scrub out the lobster pot with his grandpop and had an absolute blast doing it. We can’t wait to share all of these experiences with another child.
We envision a close and supportive partnership with a surrogate, sharing in the excitement and anticipation of each milestone in what I am sure will be an emotional journey for you, me and my husband. Having gone through IVF and a complicated, high risk pregnancy ourselves already, we are keenly aware of the ups and downs that occur through the conception process and carrying a child. We believe that these experiences have prepared us for a surrogacy journey and we will do everything that we can to be a support to you through this process. If we are lucky enough to bring a child into the world through surrogacy, we hope to keep in touch and share updates on the child’s progress as the years go by.
Thank you for considering going on this journey with us.
With Love,
S, K, and J
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